There’s a small irony at the centre of Jota Mun’s documentary Between Goodbyes in that she often cuts back to contemporary stock footage of television items covering the subject of adoptions in Korea. Pundits are full of panic about the rapidly expanding baby boom of the post-war era and concerned about a growing lack of resources to care for them. Fast-forward 50 years and the problem has reversed as the news items are full of panic about the ageing population and record low birth rate. Still, it’s clear that the nation has not yet fully reckoned with its history of international adoptions which employed dubious practices to separate parents from children and essentially sold babies abroad in a business model more akin to human trafficking.
Mieke’s mother Okgyun is wracked with guilt about the decision she made to give her up, which was motivated mostly by her poverty, but also a series of social stigmas including that towards large families. With three children already, they simply couldn’t afford another and Okgyun had planned on an abortion though was talked out of it and advised to put the baby up for adoption on the promise that it would have a much better quality of life in America. Of course, the reality was not always so rosy and Okgyun and her husband have spent every moment of their lives since thinking about their missing daughter. Twenty years later, Mieke’s father became determined to find her and eventually discovered she had been sent to the Netherlands.
For Mieke, the knowledge that her parents had wanted to find her was a source of comfort but also awkward and as she puts it “overwhelming”. Though to them she was their long-lost daughter, to her they were strangers and as she had been raised abroad, she could not even speak their language. Mieke had also experienced a series of other losses including that of her adoptive parents. An uncle and aunt had taken her in, but it didn’t work out leading to a further sense of rejection and abandonment. She describes finding a surrogate family in community but also hints at a constant sense of displacement, never quite feeling at home anywhere.
For these reasons, she found it difficult to relate to her birth parents when they first approached her and struggled to accept the intensity of their emotion. Later, her partner along with the film’s director, ask Mieke if she isn’t afraid of losing them too, as if she’s trying to stave off another abandonment by keeping them at arms’ length while also struggling to balance her own sense of identity caught between an interest in her Korean heritage and sense of belonging, and her Dutch upbringing and life in the Netherlands. There’s an also an additional sense of poignancy in that had Mieke been raised by her birth parents in Korea, she may not have been as free to live as her authentic self in a much more conservative social culture. A secondary reason that she’d avoided keeping in touch with her parents when they first contacted her was that she knew she would have to come out to them and was unsure as to how they’d react.
Her birth family have, however, fully accepted her wife Marit, and though some of them may say they don’t quite understand, are fully supportive and just happy that she’s happy. On the other hand, it’s true enough that every reunion entails another goodbye with a concurrent sense of abandonment on each side. Another woman from a society supporting parents who gave their children up for adoption remarks that it’s only really with the reunion that the grieving process begins with the intense sense of loss for all missing years, the time and memories that have been stolen for each of them. Incomplete family portraits coloured by a sense of absence symbolise the longing for something that cannot be restored, while Mieke and her mother seem to be divided by an invisible wall. Still in overcoming the language barrier and learning to communicate in a much more direct way, the relationship begins to reforge itself. Perhaps as Okgyun says, there’s no such thing as complete happiness, but there is perhaps warmth and forgiveness and new beginnings that might not quite make up for lost time but do perhaps have the potential to become something else.
Between Goodbyes screens May 1 as part of this year’s San Diego Asian Film Festival Spring Showcase.
Trailer
Windows on Worlds 